When life as you know it ceases to exist – How to face the challenging mix of priorities in life-changing conditions

Whenever your life changes like this, you lose something. That “something” can take many different forms. The presence of a loved one. The freedom to go anyplace anytime. A steady income. Your trust in a friend. Parts of your identity …

In the early stages of a change, steadying yourself and managing the immediate impact may take all of your effort and strength. But as you begin to realise what you’ve lost, a process of mourning starts which may bring about all kinds of different emotions. Like shock, anger, sadness and desperation, but also sympathy, joy and hope. You may go back and forth between them or feel them all at the same time. Contrary to what some experts originally thought there is no universal, linear process that constitutes “good” mourning. You might go from anger to sadness to gratitude for what once was, then back to anger and into desperation. This is normal, so don’t worry about it when your grief surfaces in different, sometimes recurring forms over time.

1. Factors in the loss experience

What it means to mourn is very personal and happens in the context of a certain time and place. Different factors play a role in how you might experience a loss.

• • The kind of loss

Some types of loss can be clearly defined and are relatively common. Like a loved one dying of old age. Depending on time and place, such losses are usually surrounded by a range of rituals and ceremonies. Think of a funeral, or a gathering 100 days after someone has passed to mark a transition for both the dead and the living, or an annual remembrance. As a bereaved person, you become part of a social process and structure that supports you in your mourning.

Other types of loss are more ambiguous, difficult to define or less common. While people still sympathise with your loss, there are no broadly shared rituals, processes or structures in place to support you in your grief. For example, when a loved one goes missing and it remains unclear what happened to him/her and whether or not s/he is still alive.

And then there are the types of loss that carry a social stigma, making it hard for those affected to secure any kind of support. Such as giving birth to a disabled child in a country where disability is seen as an ominous sign. Or receiving an HIV diagnosis in a place where people are ill informed about HIV/AIDS.

• • The actual impact of the loss

A loss generally has an immediate impact on your daily life, but it may also generate additional losses. For example, if you’ve gone bankrupt, you may have to move to a cheaper location, which in turn may bring about changes in the relationship with your spouse or your opportunities for the future.

• • Your perceptions and beliefs around a loss

Apart from the type of loss and its actual impact, what you think and feel makes a big difference in how you experience and deal with it. The same event can leave one person in complete despair, while another feels confident he’ll get through it. There’s no right or wrong here. It’s just what it is at that given time.

• • The resources you have to cope with a loss

Of course, a lack of resources will make it more difficult to deal with a loss. Sometimes, the challenge is to become aware of resources that are there, but that you are not yet drawing on.

Experiencing a life-changing loss is not easy. It takes a toll on you emotionally, cognitively and physically no matter what.

Sometimes mourning is delayed, as your own mental defence mechanisms kick in and shield you from grief that is too overwhelming to handle at that time. Sometimes you don’t get the chance to mourn what you have lost as you barely manage to keep going. And sometimes you just disengage from the process, because you don’t want to feel the grief anymore.

Unfortunately, research has shown that unresolved grief can become an important contributor to mental health issues such as depression and anxiety disorders, behavioural problems and family conflicts. And the problem with unresolved grief is that it has a way of catching up with you, sometimes popping up years later at a moment when you least expect it.

So mourn what you’ve lost when you have a chance to do so. Try to think of grief as a natural response to loss. Something you need to go through to heal. A bit like your body becoming temporarily ill while it’s busy overcoming a virus.

3. Some guidance

Mourning is such a personal and context-dependent experience, that there’s no standard recipe that applies to everyone everywhere. But research on mourning does provide some guidance that may be helpful.

• • Define what you have lost

Being aware of what you’ve lost supports the grieving process. Try to be specific. What have you lost exactly? For instance, if you have lost your job, don’t just say “I lost my job”, but try to define what it means to you. For example, “I lost a reason to get up in the morning.” Or “I lost something I was proud of.” Or “I lost my only source of income.”

• • Become aware of how you feel

Get in touch with your thoughts, emotions and beliefs around each of these components of your loss. Try to observe what’s going on inside you without judgment or censorship. A method that has proven particularly helpful in this regard is writing: to capture everything you’re experiencing in words and let go of them on paper.

• • Review your options in coping and available resources

What are you already doing to cope? What resources do you have inside and around you? Your own skills and experience, people who can help, possible funds et cetera. Which resources are you already using, which ones could you possibly still leverage?

• • Mark transitions

To mark transitions in the grieving process, often in a symbolical way, has proven to support healing. If the loss you’re going through is not accompanied by rituals or ceremonies that are broadly shared in your community, try to come up with your own. Like dedicating a prayer or poem to someone at a certain point in time, or having a special gathering with others to mark a next phase of change. Some people also find great comfort in remembering what was special or significant and giving it a place in their new lives. Such a picture or a symbol they keep close.

• • Forgive

Blame and guilt tend to interfere with the grieving process. If you blame anyone for what happened, could you find a way to forgive that person (including yourself)?

• • Your story

Narrative therapy has shown that developing and sharing meaningful stories supports mourning and healing. What is the story of your loss? If you feel comfortable sharing it with others, tell them your story. Listen to the stories of others who are affected and appreciate what it has meant to them (remember that everyone deals with loss differently).

Apart from steadying yourself and dealing with what you’ve lost, you’ll need to figure out what direction to take.

Considering what you want next may not come easy. As you juggle all the different demands and priorities, it may take some time before you find a moment to really think things through.

In addition, your new reality may be so unfamiliar or uncertain, that you’re forced to make decisions based on very little information and with limited understanding of consequences.

Also, you may find it difficult to make decisions about the future, when you’re not yet ready to let go of (parts of) your past life. For instance, when your spouse develops Alzheimer’s disease and is still physically present, but psychologically no longer there as the person you once knew.

As you move forward, just take one step at the time at a pace that feels comfortable for you. Be patient with yourself and those around you. Remember that everyone responds in his/her own way.